Author: Dr Tanu Shree Singh
Publisher: Duckbill Books
Pages: 200
My GoodReads Rating: ⭐⭐⭐
Tanu Shree Singh has a PhD. Sound science determines her parenting style. I go by a mixture of
instinct, and what I learned from my parents.
And yet I found myself nodding vigorously
in agreement with what she said.
In an age in which parents are
pushing their kids into classes and highly evolved programmes to map and
enhance their cognitive skills, I, like Tanu, am lagging behind when it comes to being a conventional Tiger Mom.
Sometimes it causes me to
question my stance. As she says, Am I an adequate parent? …Have I ensured
optimal levels of cognitive functioning? Have I charted their trajectories? I
think the answer to all three questions is in the negative. I do not yet have
my own trajectory in order!
Parenting a child in this age
is like being prepared for battle. The best degrees, and Tanu has a PhD in
Positive Psychology, can’t stand against the onslaught of a real child.
Generally, I have my act
together but often I don’t. That’s why I hoped this book would help.
Tanu talks about the
issues most likely to be felt in families everywhere. Of course, my kids are
still in the single digit age. So a few of the issues that she talked about
weren’t relevant to me at this stage. But at least, it’s good to know we are
all in this together.
Each section begins with
speech bubbles. Snippets of conversations that tell us about the topic, and the
chapters that are dealt within it.
The topics are We are the
World, Keeping Your Child Safe, Dealing with Friends and Family, How to keep
your Child Happy, and Reading the World.
There are a range of chapters
under each topic. For instance, the topic, We are the world, consists of
chapters on the prejudices that children learn from grownups, ways to
discipline kids, religious beliefs, how to build resilience, children who are
abandoned or orphaned, and exposing children to reality as the newspapers
portray it.
I found the chapter titled,
Should Kids Read the Newspaper?, particularly helpful since I’d been thinking
about the best way to introduce my kids to reading the newspaper.
Keeping your Child Safe talks
about the difficult conversations we must inevitably have with our kids,
especially once they near their teens, about teenage romances and sexuality,
and dealing with peer pressure.
Dealing with Friends and Family
discusses sibling rivalry, friendship across genders, death and grief,
bullying, body shaming, raising responsible boys, about what happens when girls
bully boys, lies and truth and cultivating empathy.
How to keep your child happy
includes chapters on the importance of kids doing nothing (something I espouse
too), learning respect from scratch, the needs of teenagers, addiction to
digital devices, working independently, the education system, the definition of
success. This section was where my personal beliefs aligned completely with the
author’s.
Some chapters were named in a
straightforward manner, others like The Other Side of the Coin were not. I thought there should have been some consistency.
What I liked about this book
was that it wasn’t a ready reckoner on how to behave in any given situation,
thought it does offer suggestions that parents could consider. Its greatest
strength it that it raises the questions that few parents bother thinking
about. I also liked the fact that the style was chatty, not written like a PhD
thesis. The stories with Ishaan and Vivaan are interesting.
Tanu talks about the
importance of keeping conversations going, not shirking from difficult
conversations (children can smell parental unease with conversations), and invites
us to remember that That little person you have is ideal for you, complete
with her faults.
The tone is irreverent, but
firm. Realise you are not a god: Even gods have beheaded their children (and
fixed an elephant’s head in its place).
I don’t agree with everything
she says. For instance, she says, Focus on unprotected sex and its
repercussions—physical and emotional, not moral.
I believe the moral
repercussions are just as important.
Careful proofreading would
have helped. In the chapter on bullying, the examples of the early ’70s and the
late ‘80s are described in present tense, while the example from 2013 is in
past tense. There were a few cases of awkward sentence constructions. The
language could certainly have been improved.
In the chapter on abuse, the
author talks about beating by teachers. Children go through worse forms of
physical abuse, which aren’t talked about here.
I appreciated her call to
recognize the signs that indicate whether a child is being bullied and to
remember that your own child could also be a bully. The tips she gives are
good.
The chapter on body shaming
was a necessary one. Things I appreciated: Resist
praising your child for masculine or feminine stereotypes. Or calling your
child too fat or too skinny.
I liked it when she saw
herself as having a special responsibility to bring up boys who are respectful
of women and treat them as true equals.
Like: The mechanism for
crying is fairly similar, regardless of gender! Saying that a boy is crying
like a girl tops the list of silliest but also most destructive things ever
said. You are telling your son that men do not cry, so whatever is bothering
him needs to be ignored, not resolved. And you are telling him that crying is
an inferior thing to do, that girls cry and are, therefore, inferior.
She writes with a wisdom that
knows when to step in and when to let the kids do what they would want to. All
imbued with self-deprecating humour that I particularly liked. For instance, to
the myth that bullying toughens kids up, she asks, Do you ask your doctor to
inject typhoid-causing bacteria into your system so that you can toughen up
your digestion?
One area that my kids don’t
give me any trouble is what Tanu describes in Outsourcing creativity.
When it comes to being arty and crafty, both my kids are way more creative than
I am. Thank God for that! I shudder to think what would happen if they were
dependent on me for jazzing up their projects.
I believe that every
parenting experience is worthwhile, and could offer valuable lessons to others.
And this book, which combines
her knowledge with instinct, and how they’ve worked with her boys, is quite
helpful.
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