Dear Jeeves

To, 

Jeeves, Reginald, 

Valet par excellence, 

C/o Bertie Wooster, London, 

C/o PG Wodehouse,



Dear Jeeves,

There used to be a famous search engine that purported to answer all questions thrown at it. It was called Ask Jeeves.com. No doubt a fitting tribute to your prodigious talents.

They call themselves Ask.com now. No offence to you.

But for you, that silly, ever-idle Bertie Wooster would have long since stumbled over his own feet and failings, married more than twice over and haunted forever by the sceptre of sundry mothers-in-law and formidable aunts.

The Junior Ganymede Club lists you as a valet, but Bertie knows you are more than that. You are a lifesaver, problem solver, creator of coincidences, remover of offending objects, pacifier of Aunts and rescuer from tiresome social obligations.

And after achieving all of that you still have time and energy for the mundane stuff of waking the guy up, and making sure he is fed and dressed. As Bertie once said of you, “If the call comes, he can buttle with the best of them." 

You’re not a great talker but you still manage to pack in quite a bit with your “Well, Sir,” “Yes, Sir,” “No, Sir,” and “Indeed, Sir.” You are, in fact, the epitome of what constitutes the gentleman’s manservant. Faultless attire, unlike children, you speak only when spoken to, and you glide noiselessly in and out of rooms. 

But you are not afraid to speak your mind. Bertie is a member of the upper classes, but you have charm, wit and intelligence on your side, no doubt as a result of all the fish you love eating. You’re always seeking to improve Bertie, and are flabbergasted when he suddenly develops an unreasonable attachment to such items as an alpine hat, a scarlet cummerbund, a garish vase, or purple socks.

The one thing that flaps your unflappable disposition is when people commit crimes against fashion. Once Bertie turned out in a white dinner jacket, you said, “I assumed it had got into your wardrobe by mistake, Sir, or else that it has been placed there by your enemies.” Another time you saw little horseshoes on someone’s tie and had a momentary panic attack. 

There is little you don’t know. Of course, you’re modest and you won’t gloat, but I’m amazed at the amount of information stored in your head. At any moment, you can speak with authority and accuracy on a range of unrelated subjects such as literature and academic subjects, not to mention the scientific study of newts, horse racing, car maintenance, hangover remedies, etiquette, and the one thing that nobody else can figure out, what women want. When you want relaxation, you read Dostoyevsky and Spinoza and quote from Shakespeare.

With all the learning stuffed in your head, why you would choose to be a valet to the infinitely silly albeit lovable doofus that is Bertie, when you could have been anyone, I do not know. But I suppose there isn’t a dull moment on the job.



And of course, Bertie is grateful, and that counts for something.